Subway's Jared was on TV today giving a speech to an elementary school. And I listened in for the rest of his story, as I had seen the abbreviated version in the commercials. No inspiring breakthroughs, but I may have learned of a way to succeed in life.

Jared began putting on weight in 3rd grade, when he received a Nintendo for his birthday. He told the kids he played for five or six hours per day. He also enjoyed "junk food" regularly. By 5th grade, he was wearing "husky" clothing. By high school, he was over three hundred pounds. He peaked out his junior year in college at 425.

Then, of course, he began eating Subway sandwiches for lunch and dinner each day. Not the ones that taste good, Jared was wise and chose the turkey and/or veggie subs. Every day. After dropping nearly 100 pounds in about as many days, he added walking to his regimen. In less than a year, he was 245 pounds lighter than when he started. Remarkable, and the rest is history.

This brings us to seeing Jared on TV, telling the kids about nutrition, how if they don't eat right they'll end up like him. This is the point where Jared holds up his old 60-inch waist pants. BTW, they are friggin' huge, like big enough to make you fast for the rest of the week. Anyway, my point is that's how bad it was, but now Jared is living the good life.

Sorry, Jared, but if I'm a kid in that audience, I'm thinking of how I could eat my way to 500 pounds. Then I'd go on the Subway diet, lose over 300 pounds and take your job, man. Warn me if I don't eat right, I'll end up like you? You are the national spokesperson for the largest chain of restaurants in the world. Pass the Twinkies and keep preaching the gospel, brother.

One of the kids asked Jared what he drove. He responded that he drove an Acura MDX. Not exactly 'living in a van down by the river'. But, kids, eat right or you'll end up like me. Eat right and you'll have to get a real job and actually work for a living. Eat right so Jared can eat well. Eat Subway so Jared will never have to again.